Back in the Day
by unlove
Summary: Eight years after graduation, Adam and Drew throw a party. Alli wants to get drunk, Jenna wants to get lost and Clare wants to avoid Eli Goldsworthy at all costs.
1. Twentysomethings

**I don't own Degrassi. I just like to play with their characters. **

1.

"This outfit makes me look fat," I stated, turning to look at my butt in the full-length mirror. "And I may very well kill myself trying to walk in these boots." The boots were gorgeous, knee-high tan suede with 4-inch wedge heels, but to a girl who often tripped while wearing sneakers, they were a death trap.

A dark head appeared in the door frame. "You look fantastic," Alli Bandhari assured me. "Besides, I intend for you to have at least one alcohol-related fall by the end of the night. Would you just chill? I so do not need you to ruin this party for me." Alli disappeared into the bathroom, where she had been for the last hour, working on makeup and hair.

"Chill? Are you serious?" I muttered, flopping down onto my bed. My son was spending the night with his deadbeat father, I had a twenty-page paper due Monday that I hadn't even started and the laundry was piled so high that it was overflowing the basket. To top it off, I was about to see my high school sweetheart for the first time in, oh, 8 years or so. I must have been temporarily delirious when I agreed to a night out.

"Hey, is Jenna here yet?" My apartment was so small that Alli didn't even have to shout for me to hear her.

"You would have heard her," I pointed out, hopping up and walking to the bathroom door.

Alli waved her mascara wand around dramatically, coming dangerously close to leaving a black streak across my face. "That girl needs to get it together. She's always late. I'm going to buy her a watch for her birthday."

The truth of the matter was this: Alli is notorious for being late or not showing at all, but I would never say so, because Alli and Jenna are pretty much my only friends. The three of us have very little in common these days, but the bonds made during teenage years tend to stick, I guess. Between Alli's oh-so-important magazine editor career, Jenna's 3 kids and my juggling act of school, work and being a single mom, we hardly see each other. But every time we're together, it's like we've never been apart. I've never decided if this is a good thing or a bad thing.

"You know what? Why don't I text her?" I volunteered. "I'll step outside and make sure she finds the place okay. She wasn't a hundred percent sure she knew where I live."

Alli glared at me. "Bullshit. You're dying to go smoke a cigarette, aren't you? Are you _trying_ to get lung cancer or what?"

I rolled my eyes. "You should talk, Little Miss Alcoholic. Do you think liver failure is any better? I'm going to go smoke. Have another beer and finish your makeup. If Jenna's not here in ten minutes, we'll leave without her, okay?"

"Fine." Alli was pouting, but I couldn't tell if that was for dramatic effect or optimal lip gloss application. "I'm almost done."

"Great." I walked down the hall.

"Clare?"

"What?" I turned my head to look at her.

"I'm sorry. I love you, and it sucks that you're so unhappy."

"I'm not unhappy, Alli. I miss my son, I'm stressed about school, I have 5 million things to do and I really don't want to see Eli. But I'm not unhappy." I attempted a smile, but the look on Alli's face told me that it wasn't working. "I'll be back in a few."

Shutting the front door on that conversation felt a lot like relief. I lit my cigarette, feeling the tension flow out of my body at the first taste of smoke, before dashing off a quick text to Jenna to find out where she was. I sat on the stoop, letting all my worries go for a moment so I could enjoy the beautiful late spring weather. It was almost 10 p.m., but it was the perfect temperature for short sleeves and jeans. After a few minutes, I crushed my cigarette in the ashtray I keep on the windowsill and stood to go inside.

I stopped when I saw the red minivan flying into the parking lot and squealing to a stop in a parking space. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Jenna Middleton was screeching as she jumped out of the driver's side. She ran toward me, blond hair streaming behind her. "The babysitter was late and then Mikey threw a fit about me leaving, and then I got lost." She was panting by the time she reached me. "So sorry! But hey, you look great!" She threw her arms around me for a brief second before asking, "How pissed is Alli?"

I shrugged. "She'll get over it. She's finishing up her makeup right now, so we should be about ready to go." I opened the door, gesturing for Jenna to go in.

Alli came out of the kitchen, bottle in hand, as we entered the living room. "It's about time," she snapped at Jenna, cutting off the impending apology. "Can we go now? The party started an hour ago!" She picked up her purse and stomped to the door, flipping her hair.

I rolled my eyes at Jenna as I picked up my own purse. "Who's driving?"

"I am, obviously," Alli said.

"Forget liver failure; you're going to go to jail for drunk driving, if you don't kill yourself first." That comment earned me the Bandhari death glare.

"You know," Jenna pointed out diplomatically, "I could drive. I haven't had anything to drink, and there's plenty of room in the van."

"I'll drive," I interrupted, knowing Alli would throw a fit at the suggestion of riding in a minivan. "Let's just go."

Alli immediately forgot her little temper tantrum. She and Jenna were chattering away about the guest list at the party as we piled into my car.

"…can't believe Adam and Drew are throwing a party…"

"…heard that Connor flew in from Switzerland on his private jet!"

"I better not….Bianca or Owen…fuck that."

Their enthusiastic chatter went in one ear and out the other as I focused on the road. There was only one name that concerned me, the one guy I never got over, the single most influential person of my entire childhood: Eli Goldsworthy.


	2. Interlude 1  Back in the Day

**I don't own Degrassi. Sucks, doesn't it?**

_Interlude #1 – Back in the Day_

_I guess I always knew that this relationship had a time limit, but I didn't know we'd reached it yet. Watching Eli stand with his class, accepting his diploma, was a smack in the face. We had talked about what would happen when he left, but it never seemed real until that moment._

_In 3 months, I told myself, Eli would be flying off to the University of Iowa, renowned for its creative writing program. He wanted to be the next Stephen King, and his work was certainly creepy enough. Me, I would still be here, at Degrassi, finishing my senior year. Without him._

_I managed to put all of that aside as we hit party after party, celebrating the new grads and saying goodbye to familiar faces. It wasn't until the next morning, when Eli and I finally curled up in his bed, that it came back._

"_I can't believe you're leaving," I whispered. "We have to do something to make the next 3 months so amazing that you'll beg to come home every chance you get."_

"_About that…" was all he replied, but somehow I knew._

"_You're not going to be here for the next 3 months, are you?" I sat up, flinging the blanket off of me as I met his gaze. He didn't answer. "What the fuck, Eli? Were you going to tell me on the day you leave?" I abandoned the warmth of the bed, snatching up the dress and heels I'd been wearing._

"_Clare, listen," he began, sitting up and brushing his dark hair out of his eyes. "The summer program is a great way to get a head start, meet the faculty, all that stuff. I love you, but I'm ready to start my new life."_

_I stuffed my clothes into my purse and pulled on my sneakers, still in my pajamas. "Right, you love me so much that you can't even tell me about this little change of plans you made. How long?"_

"_Clare, I do love you."_

"_How long?" I shouted._

"_A week," he mumbled, staring down at his empty hands._

"_A week? You're leaving me in a week and you couldn't be bothered to tell me?" I screamed at the top of my lungs._

_There was a knock on Eli's door. "Hey, guys, is there a problem?" Bullfrog's low grumble came._

"_Everything's fine," Eli called._

"_No, everything's not fine." I yanked open the door. "Life is shit, and I am so done with you."_

_Bullfrog and Cece were huddled in front of the door, but the sight of my angry face must have scared them, because they jumped out of the way. "It was nice knowing you guys," I told them as I stormed down the stairs._

"_I knew you'd act like this," Eli shot back as he followed me, still in his boxers. "That's why I didn't tell you."_

"_No, you didn't tell me because you're an asshole and a liar and you never cared about me." I swiped my hand across my eyes, knowing that I couldn't possibly hide the tears forming there. "You didn't tell me because you don't understand how to have a real relationship, with trust and honesty. You didn't tell me because….because I'm not Julia and I never will be." I stepped out the front door, slamming it behind me as hard as I could, so hard that it bounced back open._

_As I began walking down the street, Eli called after me. "At least let me drive you home, Clare!"_

"_Have fun with your new life," I yelled back. "When I'm done being pissed, I'll be glad that I'm not in it."_


	3. Same Old

**I don't own Degrassi. Thanks for reading, guys!**

2.

After 20 minutes, 3 wrong turns and 1 "bitch, shut up", we pulled up to Adam's house. According to the invitation I had received in my email, Adam and Drew were hosting this party, complete with a keg, a hot tub and some beer pong. Alli and Jenna were halfway up the walk by the time I got out of the car.

They turned, calling in unison, "Are you coming?" Considering that they are polar opposites in appearance, it was pretty disturbing.

I held up my cell phone. "Why don't you guys go on in? I want to make a call first." As they walked away, I lit up a cigarette and dialed a familiar number.

The phone rang twice before someone picked up. "Hello?"

"Hey, it's me. I just wanted to check on Grayson." I was pacing in front of the car, impatiently waiting for a reply.

There was a sigh at the other end of the line. "Gray's fine, Clare. He went to bed about half an hour ago. And yes, before you ask, I fed and bathed him, made sure he brushed his teeth and reminded him to use the bathroom."

"I didn't even say anything," I protested.

I could hear the laughter in his voice. "You would have and we both know it. What are you doing?"

I looked around the well-lit yard. "Actually, I'm going to a party. I wanted to make sure Gray was okay before I headed in."

"He's perfectly fine with me, Clare. You know I love my son." There was a short pause. "I still love you, too. I miss you, babe."

Interrupting him was really rude, but I knew from experience that having this conversation would end up with us both in tears. "I'm going to go now. Have fun with Gray. I'll see you around noon."

"Be safe, babe." There was a click as he hung up. I was looking down at my phone, scrolling through my contacts to see if there was somebody else I could call, purely for stalling purposes, when a shadow fell across me. I turned to see a large figure towering over me, his face obscured by darkness.

"Shit, K.C.! You scared me to death." I laughed, throwing my arms around him.

He was laughing too. "Sorry, I really didn't mean to sneak up on you. I was waiting for you to get off the phone." There was a pause as we both caught our breath, and then he said, "I'm guessing Jenna's inside somewhere."

"Yeah, her and Alli." I inked my arm through his as we headed toward the front porch. "And I'm…well, you know me." And that was a fact, K.C. did know me. Over the years, we had developed a weird friendship based on mutual loneliness and shared history. There had even been a time right after my divorce when we had been more than friends, but that was over now.

"Where's Abbs?" I asked as he knocked on the door, referring to his 11-year-old daughter.

"She stayed home with my mom, told me to have fun and drive safe. Is Gray at his dad's?"

"Yeah. I was on the phone with-"

The door flew open suddenly, leaving Drew Torres framed in the light. He grinned widely, holding out his fist. "Guthrie, bro! What's up? I haven't seen you in forever. How's that little girl of yours?" Before K.C. could answer, Drew turned to me. "And who is this gorgeous lady?" He squinted into the night and leaned a little closer. "Clare Edwards. Wait, are you guys together – like, together together?"

A voice came from the top of the stairs. "Oh, I think Clare and K.C. are just friends." I looked up to see Eli making his way down the steps. He looked almost exactly like he had the last time I saw him, and when he smirked at me, I wanted to break his face just like I did the last time I saw him. He came to a stop on the 3rd from last step and stood unmoving, watching me.

I smiled politely and gripped K.C.'s arm a little tighter. "Hello, Eli."

"Hey, Blue Eyes. Or would you prefer to be called Mrs. Fitzgerald?" He crossed his arms over his chest and leaned against the banister. "How is old Fitzy, anyway? Does he still spend a lot of time in lockup?"

I let go of K.C. and walked over to the banister, looking up at Eli with a grin. "It's kind of funny, really – after you disappeared, so did Fitz's arrest record. He's at home, taking care of our son, but I'll let him know that you said hi."

Eli flinched when I said "our son". I stood there, staring up at him, trying to show him everything I've felt about him in the last 8 years, until he broke eye contact. Then I returned to Drew and K.C. "Okay, Drew. I need a beer and Adam, in that order. Lead the way."

"Sure thing," Drew slurred, doing a lazy 180 and leading toward the living room. I hadn't noticed before, but he was already drunk.

K.C. grabbed my arm, stopping me from following Drew. "Clare, why didn't you tell him you're divorced? You made it sound like you guys were still together on purpose."

I checked for eavesdroppers before I answered. "He can't reject me if I make it clear that he can't have me, right?" I thought K.C. would agree with me.

Instead, he shook his head. "He might go after you _because_ he thinks you're with Fitz. We haven't seen this dude in years. Who knows what goes through his head? There's no way to tell for sure if he's past that stupid feud they had in high school." K.C. trailed off like he had something to add.

"But?" I prompted.

K.C. bit his lip. "But…but if I had to take a guess based on the 30 second conversation you had with him, I'd say that the feud is still going strong."

K.C.'s words trigger a terrifying thought. "You don't think he'd try to hurt Fitz now, do you? He wouldn't go to his house and do something?" K.C. started to answer, but I ignored him. "I have to go. I can't let anything happen to Fitz. And what about Gray?"

I had my phone in hand when K.C. pulled me into what must have looked like an affectionate bear hug, but felt more like a stranglehold. "Don't go rushing out of here like a crazy person," he whispered in my ear. "Send Fitz a text and give him a heads up if you need to, but remember, as long as Eli is here and you can see him, he's nowhere near your family."

"Right." I nodded, taking a deep breath. "But how do I keep him in my sight?"

K.C. jerked his chin, motioning toward the kitchen behind me. "I don't think you have to."

I glanced over my shoulder. Eli was leaning against the kitchen counter, beer in hand, staring at me intently.


	4. Interlude 2 Back in the Day

**Just in case I haven't made it clear by now, I do not own Degrassi. Please enjoy!**

_Interlude #2 – Back in the Day_

_The summer before my senior year was pretty much torture. I spent most of it in bed, crying and picturing Eli making out with a gorgeous college girl. My friends tried to cheer me up at first; Alli would drag me to Above the Dot to dance, and Adam called or came by every day. But after the first month, everybody was sick of watching me fall apart, including me._

_That first day back at school changed everything. I made it through most of the day without talking to anyone, but in my last class, Media Immersion, we were told to find a partner and work on an assignment. I watched apathetically as people around me paired up, laughing and talking about what they had done over the summer. Then my eyes fell on the one person who looked less enthusiastic about the project than me: Bianca DeSousa._

_I grabbed my stuff and moved over to the seat next to her. "Hey, wanna be partners?"_

_She raised her eyebrows. "Why do you want to be partners with me, Jesus Freak? Do you want to save the school slut's soul?"_

_I was already regretting the hasty decision to ask her. "Um, no. I just needed a partner and I saw you didn't have one."_

_Bianca smiled knowingly. "So you're saying that you're a loser who has no friends?"_

_I don't know what came over me in that instant, but I was suddenly so pissed off at the entire world, Bianca included, that I slapped her before I even knew I was going to._

"_Bitch," she shouted, pressing her hand to her now-scarlet cheek. She kicked out with her left leg, sending my ball out from underneath me so I landed on my ass on the floor. Then she was on top of me, yanking my hair and clawing at my face._

_I had never been in a fight before, but instinct took over. I threw my weight sideways, sending her flying off of me. Somehow I landed on her and started punching her in the face repeatedly. Everything in my vision was blood red. I must have blacked out or something, because the next thing I knew, I was face down on the floor and Dave Turner's dad was putting cuffs on me._

_I lifted my head from the ground and looked around the nearly empty classroom. Bianca was in a similar position next to me, already cuffed. She was staring back at me. I watched as she spit a glob of blood out._

"_You've got a mean jab, Jesus Freak." She grinned. Her face was pretty frightening, with a black eye and blood gushing out of her nose. "I guess we can be partners after all. I like a chick who can handle herself."_

_I found myself smiling back at her without knowing why._

_We both ended up with three-day suspensions and a stern lecture from Mr. Simpson, detailing the punishment if we got in any more trouble. Bianca laughed it off, so I tried to do the same. We walked out of the school building together, in total silence._

_I was trying to figure out what to do. I didn't want to go home. My mom would take one look at me and know I'd been in a fight, which meant I'd have to tell her about my suspension. I had just decided to go to the Dot when Bianca called out to me._

"_Hey, Clare!" She was standing with her hand on her hip, tapping her foot. "Come to the Ravine with me. A couple shots of vodka will make you feel a whole lot better."_

_I approached her slowly. "My face doesn't hurt that much," I pointed out._

_She threw her head back and laughed. "Not your face, dumbass. I meant whatever shit's going down in your life that brought you to the point where you would go off on me in class. Come on. It's not like you have school tomorrow."_

_I laughed with her. "True." We walked slowly down the road, me following her lead. We talked about all the people at school who had witnessed the fight, and what the rumors would be like when we returned Friday. She seemed surprised that I had been to the Ravine before, and I was surprised that she actually had some good ideas for our project._

_She led me to one of the old couches and told me to wait. She returned shortly with a bottle of vodka and a pack of cigarettes. "Let's have some fun," she begged, lighting a cigarette and handing it to me. "I haven't had a cool girl to chill with in forever."_

"_You've never had a cool girl to chill with, Bianca." I glanced up, recognizing the voice instantly. He stopped when he saw me. "Clare, what are you doing here?"_

_Bianca took a huge swig out of the bottle and passed it to me. "Meet my new best friend," she told him._

_I took a much bigger drink than I meant to. I could feel my face twisting as a burning sensation travelled from my tongue down into my stomach. I took a drag off of the cigarette, trying not to cough as I returned the vodka to Bianca. "Hey, Fitz. What's up?" _


	5. Stalker

**Don't own Degrassi. Thanks for all the reviews, alerts, etc! I really appreciate it.**

3.

I pretty much chugged my first beer. Lucky for me, I was still standing right next to the keg so I quickly refilled it. I drank that one a little too fast as well. I could feel Eli's eyes on me, and it was making me nervous. By the time I started on my third cup, I had made the decision to try and have some fun. It was pretty obvious that Eli's plans for the night involved standing in a corner, silently drinking his beer and staring at me in an extremely stalkerish way, so there was no need to worry about Fitz or Gray.

I played a round of beer pong with Alli as my partner. Dave Turner and Wesley Betenkamp, our opponents, were cracking us up as they reminisced on the crushes they used to have on us. My face turned bright red as Wes recounted the story of his first kiss, which happened to be with me. During an innocent game of 7 Minutes in Heaven, my vampire-obsessed self kind of lost it and bit Wes' neck. We had never told anyone.

After losing dismally, we went looking for Jenna. Alli was so drunk that she collapsed on the living room couch and refused to move. I found Jenna in the laundry room, of all places, making out with a completely random guy that was definitely not her husband and probably not even one of our classmates. After walking in on that awkward scene, I decided to find something a little more low-key, so I joined K.C., Adam and several other people in the kitchen.

All of the chairs were taken, and Eli was leaning against the counter again, so I decided to make myself comfortable on K.C.'s lap. Everybody was feeling pretty good by this point. People were moving in and out of the room, contributing an old memory and getting a good laugh before heading out. Bianca stopped in with that Ron-ron dude she's loved since she was 10, and we squealed with excitement to see each other. My face ached from laughing as Adam talked about the time he had dropped his tampon, back before anyone knew he was transgender.

Eventually I excused myself to go the restroom. I fell off of K.C.'s lap and somehow managed to land off my feet. The downstairs bathroom was occupied so I went upstairs. It didn't occur to me to lock the door until it flew open while I was washing my hands.

"You could have knocked," I told Eli mildly. He shut the door and locked it behind him, and I felt the first stirring of panic low in my stomach. "What are you doing?"

He leaned back against the door, looking pissed. "Are you having a good time, Clare?"

"I was until some psycho locked me in the bathroom. Get out of the way, Eli." He didn't move. "I'm not playing with you. Let me out of here."

That stupid smirk crossed his face again. "Not until I'm ready. It was funny, listening to everybody tell all those stories. I didn't remember half of that stuff, you know?"

"Exactly," I agreed, cautiously relaxing a little bit. "It was a really long time ago, and some of them I wasn't even there for."

"Do you remember the one Bianca was telling, about the graduation after party where you were dancing on a table?"

"Well," I laughed, "it's a little fuzzy, but I remember bits and pieces. Why?"

Suddenly, he was right in front of me, close enough to scare me. "I was there, Clare. I came back for you."

I pushed him away. "That's bullshit. She was talking about my graduation, Eli, not yours. And why would you have come back anyway? Get out of my face, seriously."

Eli had a firm hold on my wrists. He wasn't hurting me, but I wasn't going anywhere. "I came back to see you, Clare. A year apart was a long time. I did a lot of thinking, and I realized that I wanted to work things out between us. But then…" He made an odd little sound, like he was fighting back tears. "I walked in to that party and I didn't even have to look for you. You were just there. You were dancing on top of that table, and you looked so gorgeous in that white dress. I felt like I was in a dream, like you were waiting on me."

I suddenly understood. "And then you saw Fitz."

Eli abruptly let go of me and stepped back. "You started to fall, I don't know why, and I was trying to get through all the people to grab you, but there were too many. Then I heard you laughing, and I looked up, and Fitz was holding you in his arms. You reached up and kissed him…how could you, Clare?"

"How could I what? I wasn't doing anything wrong." I was pleading with him, begging him to understand. "You were gone, Eli. You left me. You lied to me, and then you left me. I was absolutely crushed for the longest time, but then I started seeing Fitz and it got better. You were gone a year, Eli. What was I supposed to do?"

"Date somebody besides fucking Fitz," he roared, punching the glass shower door. "Any person in that entire school would have been fine, as long as it wasn't Fitz. Your fucking husband tried to stab me, Clare. He forced you to go to a dance with him, and then he tried to stab me. So you marry the guy?"

I was half-terrified, half-furious. "You poisoned him, you asshole. I would have tried to stab you too. You kept pushing him, harder and harder, until he was about to snap. He was ready to forgive you, to let it all go, but you couldn't be the bigger man. You're lucky he didn't stab you. I guess I'm lucky he didn't stab you too, because he would have been in juvie for a lot longer. And if that happened, I would never have fallen in love with him, married him or had a beautiful baby boy with him. You know what the saddest part about this whole conversation is, Eli?

"What?" he snapped.

"Up until about five seconds ago, I thought this was about you and me, about you still having feelings for me. But now I know the truth – this is about you and Fitz, and I happened to be a good toy to fight over." I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. I was 26 years old, a grown woman, and my high school boyfriend could still make me cry. Pathetic.

Eli had his head in his hands. He sounded tired when he told me, "You're wrong. This is about me and you."

I unlocked and opened the bathroom door. "I don't think it was ever about me in any way, Eli. And for the record, Fitz and I have been divorced for over a year." I didn't stop to hear his response as I headed down the steps. I needed another beer.


	6. Interlude 3 Back in the Day

**Not the owner of Degrassi or any of its characters, but thanks to all my readers. I hope you're enjoying the story so far. I just want you to know that I should really be studying for a test I have tomorrow morning, but I blew that off because 1) I'm as curious as you are to see where this will go, and 2) who really likes to study anyway? So please appreciate.**

_Interlude #3 – Back in the Day_

_Being Eli's girlfriend had been work. There were times when I felt like I was drowning in a pool of his issues, and other times when I thought I was the crazy one for trying to help him. The whole relationship was morbid in a sense. How do you live up to a dead girl who was everything you aren't?_

_Being with Fitz was different. It was as natural as breathing. Being in Fitz's arms was like coming home. I never felt, as I often did with Eli, that I was the 2__nd__ choice. Fitz even told me once that he thought he had fallen in love with me the first time he saw me. He didn't call me Blue Eyes or Clare or my lady. He called me babe or beautiful or love. He didn't act like I needed a protector, and if he caught me flirting with another guy, he wouldn't say a word, just put his arm around me and smile._

_The day after our trip to the Ravine, Bianca and I met up at the mall. The first thing she said was, "Fitz is so into you! Tell me everything." So I did._

_Bianca had run off with some guy, so I sat with Fitz for almost two hours, drinking vodka and talking about everything under the sun. He told me about the alternative school he was going to, and I told him about my terrible summer. He shared the horror story of his home life, and I ranted about how difficult it still was, dealing with my now-divorced parents. He walked me home like a gentleman, saying he wanted me to get there safely. I gave him my number and he gave me a kiss on the cheek. It was an amazing night._

_So when he didn't call the next day, I was a little confused. After a week, I was pretty annoyed. And by the time a month had passed, I had pretty much come to the conclusion that it wasn't going to happen._

_One Friday night about six weeks after school started, I was home alone with a pizza and my racing thoughts. My mom was working late, so I put on my pajamas, popped in a romantic comedy and stretched out on the couch. I must have dozed off, because I woke to a ringing phone and static on the TV screen._

_I didn't recognize the number on my display. "Hello?"_

"_Clare?"_

_The voice sounded familiar. "This is she."_

"_Um, hey. It's Fitz. What are you doing?"_

"_Not much. You?" I sat up, rubbing the sleep from my eyes._

_He sounded nervous. "I'm actually standing outside your door. Are you home?"_

_I looked at the phone in disbelief before answering. "Yeah, hang on. I'll come let you in."_

_When I opened the door, he was standing on the front steps, hands in his pocket. "Hi."_

"_Hi." I stepped back to let him in. "To what do I owe the pleasure?"_

_He grinned sheepishly. "I'm sorry I never called. You must have thought I was a real jackass."_

"_The thought crossed my mind. Come on." I led him in to the living room and resumed my spot on the couch. "What's up?"_

_He sat down at the opposite end of the couch. "I wanted to explain things to you."_

"_You don't owe me an explanation for anything, Fitz." I reached for the remote so I could turn off the DVD. "I'm not your mom."_

"_Yeah, I know." He was fidgeting with his jacket. "But I want to tell you why I didn't call. The thing is, well, I told you that my life has been pretty screwed up. And the reason I didn't call was because I wanted to get it together a little bit before I told you how much I liked you."_

_I sat up straighter. "You like me?"_

_Fitz rolled his eyes. "You know I do. I always have." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a piece of paper. "This is what I've been waiting on, before I could talk to you."_

_I took the paper and looked at it. It was a title to a house, with the name Mark Fitzgerald on it. "You couldn't talk to me because you were buying a house?" I was even more confused now._

"_No, this isn't coming out right." He clasped his hands together like a prayer and took a deep breath. "Okay, this is what happened. I had an awesome time with you at the Ravine."_

_He paused, so I said, "Yeah, me too."_

"_And I told you a little about home. But what I didn't tell you was how things were getting a lot worse. I didn't want to bring you into that mess, so I've been working two jobs and saving up to get a place of my own."_

_I have no idea what my face looked like, but it must have been something weird, because he quickly added, "Not just for you. I needed to get out of there. It was a bad environment for me. But I thought that if I could get away from my family and all the drugs and stuff, I could be the kind of person that you might want to be with."_

_It was completely out of character for me, but he sounded so much like a sweet little boy that I leaned over and kissed him. So that's where it began._

_For the longest time, it felt like Fitz and I were made for each other. There were no dirty little secrets, no skeletons that might come falling out of the closet at any second. We were together every second we could be. Fitz had a good job now, and was doing well in school. His house, a tiny little one-bedroom, became ours. He never seemed to mind that I was still hanging on to my virginity, even though I regularly spent the night with him. My mother adored Fitz, and on top of that, she trusted him too. On the few nights of the week that I slept at home, Fitz usually stayed with me._

_With all this, it wasn't a big surprise that, on the day of my high school graduation, Fitz gave me a beautiful 2-carat diamond ring and asked me to marry him. It wasn't a surprise when I said yes. But it was a surprise, later that night, when I was dancing on a table, drunk and deliriously happy, for Eli's face to appear at the back of the crowd. I was so startled that I fell of the table. Fitz caught me, and I kissed him in thanks. When I looked back, the person I thought I saw was gone._

_That night, laying in bed beside the man I was going to marry, I wondered what the hell was wrong with me, picturing Eli when the person who loved me most had his arms wrapped around me._


	7. All Falls Apart

**I don't own Degrassi or any of the characters. I'm not even Canadian. But I do love Degrassi, so I guess it's okay.**

4.

By 3 a.m., most everyone had left or was leaving the party. My confrontation with Eli was a total buzz kill, so I now had the headache from Hell. I decided to round up the girls and head out.

"Hey, Clare!" Alli's voice came from behind me. She had her heels in one hand, and the other hand was holding on to Dave. "Dave's going to take me home." She dropped his hand and came to hug me. "Are you okay?" she whispered in my ear.

I tightened my arms around her. "I'll be fine. It's been a long night."

We stepped away from each other. "Call me if you need anything." She bit her lower lip, suddenly looking about 15. "I love you."

"I love you too, Alli. You're the best." She winked at me and smiled.

I searched the house for Jenna and her random makeout buddy, but they were nowhere to be found. I was about to give up when I saw a flash of blond hair through the French doors in the living room. "It's time to go, Blondie," I said, flinging the door open.

She lifted her head to look at me. Her eyes were blood red and tears were streaking down her face. "I…" A fresh sob broke from her throat. She covered her mouth with one hand and lowered her head to her knees. "I'm such a fuckup, Clare. I'm worthless."

I didn't say anything; it wouldn't have done any good. I simply sat down on the patio next to her and put my arm around her shoulders, holding her as she cried.

"What kind of person am I? My husband is at work, busting his ass to support us, my kids are home with a babysitter and I'm at a party, getting drunk and making out with a guy I don't even know."

I sighed. "Jenna, you're a regular person who makes mistakes."

She threw back her head, laughing hysterically. "I'm not making mistakes, Clare. I am ruining the lives of the people I care about, one by one. I got pregnant in high school and refused to give the baby up because I thought I could handle it, but then I ended up giving K.C. full custody and I haven't seen my only daughter in 8 years. I go to college, get it together and meet this fantastic guy that adores me. I marry the guy, pop out 3 more kids, and the only thing I can ever think about is how miserable I am. You don't understand. All I do, every day, is change diapers and wipe noses. And then, once in awhile, my husband comes home and wants sex, so I do that. And I hate every single fucking minute of it."

I knew Jenna was unhappy, but I had no idea it was this bad. "I'm not sure what to say, J."

"Why are you even trying to help me?" Her shoulders shook as she cried even harder. "I stole K.C. from you!"

"Okay, Jenna, chill out." I grabbed her hands. "I'm pretty sure you're drunk, because you're talking about something that happened more than 10 years ago. Why do I care? Look, can I tell you what I think?"

Jenna took a few gasps of air. I watched as she visibly pulled herself together. "Okay, what do you think?"

"I think you need to let me take you home. You need to sleep this off." I shushed her when she tried to interrupt. "No, listen. When you get up tomorrow, you need to talk to your husband and try to work this out. Think about what would make you happy, and tell him, Jenna. How can he possibly know how to make you happy when you don't even know?"

"You're right. You're so awesome, Clare-bear." She kissed my cheek. "I need to do some serious thinking, but I need to do it when I'm sober. Let's get out of here."

I was pretty much holding Jenna up as we made our way into the house. Adam and K.C. were talking by the front door. I gave Adam a one-armed hug and an admonishment to call me more often.

"Need help with her?" K.C. offered, pulling the door open. "I'm leaving too."

"That would be great."

With K.C. taking most of Jenna's weight, we got to the car pretty quickly. It was a little strange, seeing them holding on to each other, a glimpse into a future that had been possible at one time. Maybe they were thinking the same thing, because as K.C. was helping Jenna into the car, she said his name.

"K.C., I owe you a huge apology. I fucked up so bad with Abbigail. I'm glad she has an amazing dad to take care of her, but I'm sorry I dumped all that responsibility on you." Her eyes were closed and her whole body was tipping to the side, but she sounded sincere.

K.C. jerked back in surprise, slamming his head into the door frame of my car. "Shit!" He rubbed the top of his head before leaning back over. "I don't think you owe me an apology. You owe it to your daughter."

Jenna snorted. "Like she would accept it."

"I think she'd like to get to know her mother," K.C. told her softly. "I'm not saying she won't hate your guts for awhile, but she could use a mom, you know."

Jenna's eyes opened the tiniest bit. "Really? I'd like that." Her eyes slowly closed again, followed by a soft snore from her open mouth.

"Wow, what a night." K.C. stepped back so I could lean over and buckle Jenna in.

"I know, right?" I shut the passenger door. "This has probably been the strangest night of my life and I'm so ready to go home. But it was fun, mostly."

K.C.'s eyes were sad. "Do you think she really wants anything to do with Abbs? I don't want to get her hopes up for nothing."

I leaned back against the car, letting my head fall back and closing my eyes. "Honestly, I don't have a clue. I know that Jenna's miserable and she says she wants to change, but it's hard to make changes like that. Add to that the fact that she's drunk and probably doesn't even realize what's coming out of her mouth."

K.C. nodded, but I could tell it was more of a reflex than a reply. "Do you need help getting her home?"

I considered saying yes, because Jenna is 2 inches taller and at least 20 pounds heavier than me, but I felt like that was too much, asking him to help me get his estranged baby mama into the house where she lived with her husband and the kids she actually kept. "You know what? I think we'll manage. Go home, get some sleep. Tell Abbs and your mom I love them. Maybe we can all have lunch next week."

K.C. pulled me into a hug. "That'd be great. Give Gray a kiss for me, and tell Fitz I said hi." He kissed the top of my head. "I don't know what we'd do without each other, Clare."

I was laughing as I gently pushed him away. "We can't live with each other, can't live without each other. I have no idea what I did to deserve you. Call me, okay?"

"I will." He was smiling as he walked away.

"Clare…"

I spun around. "What, Eli? So far tonight, you have given me attitude, stared at me, followed me, locked me in the bathroom and screamed at me for getting married. It's almost 4 a.m., there's a drunk girl passed out in my car and I have a killer headache. So please get to the point and then get away from me."

"I'm sorry." He reached out toward me, stopping when I stepped back. "I'm really sorry if I ruined your night, Clare. I would really like to talk to you, without all the drama and screaming and stuff. I'd like us to sit down and have coffee and catch up like old friends."

I opened the driver's side door, but I didn't get in. "Eli, we've never been able to be only friends."

He looked away. "I know. But I'd like to try. Please. I have some things I'd like to tell you, and I really and truly want to hear about your life. I never stopped thinking about you, caring about you." Doubt was written all over my face. "One conversation, right now, in a public place. If you get up and walk away from it, I'll never bother you again. I swear it."

I was torn. Part of me wanted to tell him to go to hell and then peel out of there, clipping him with my front bumper as I went. Another part of me said that maybe it was time to get some closure and move on. After about 30 seconds of internal debate, I made a decision.

"Fine. I have to take Jenna home. Meet me at Flo's Diner in half an hour."


	8. Interlude 4 Back in the Day

**I don't own Degrassi. This should be the next-to-last chapter. I'll try to get the last one up within the next couple of days, but no promises. Please enjoy! Thanks to everybody who reviewed, added me to their alerts, etc. I just want to add that this was a really hard chapter for me to write, because I fell a little in love with the Fitz I described and I don't want to see them apart. But I don't think Eli would be open to sharing.**

_Interlude #4 – Back in the Day_

_Fitz was at the kitchen table, head on his arms, sobbing like a baby. I was crying just as hard, standing in the doorway with Gray in my arms._

_Watching a grown man cry is quite honestly one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I'd seen Fitz cry before: on our wedding night after we made love for the first time, the day that Gray was born, when his grandmother died. This was different though, because he was crying over me._

"_Clare, I don't want a divorce. I didn't mean it." The only way I can describe the expression on his face was shattered. "Please don't leave me. You and Gray are my whole world."_

_My voice was shaking. "We have to leave. I can't do this anymore. All we do is scream at each other. We're both miserable." I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to keep back the rest of my tears._

_I grabbed my purse from the table and took a step toward the door. Fitz threw himself to his knees in front of me and latched on to my legs. "Clare, don't leave. I love you. I don't know how to live without you."_

_I slid to a sitting position on the floor, putting Gray in my lap. I saw all of my feelings reflected on Fitz's face. "I don't know how to live without you either, Fitz. I think that's the problem."_

_We sat on the floor, holding Gray gently between us, crying because love was never going to be enough._

_I didn't leave that day, or that week, or even that month, but I did eventually leave. By that point, things had deteriorated so badly that Fitz was staying out all night drinking, and got fired from his job. I quit smoking as soon as I found out I was pregnant, but I had picked it up again. Gray's behavior was out of control; he didn't know what was going on, but he knew it wasn't good._

_The day that I moved our stuff from the house Fitz and I had lived in since our newlywed days, I had to call the police. Fitz sat at the same table where he had once bawled his heart out, supervised by an officer. My dad, K.C., and my brother-in-law Alex hauled furniture and boxes silently while I hastily stuffed the remainder of our stuff in a suitcase. When the last item I owned had been removed from the house, I slipped off my engagement ring and wedding band and laid them softly on the dresser._

_I thanked the officer on my way out. I stopped at the door and turned to look at my husband one more time. His eyes met mine. I tried to muster a brave smile, but I could feel dampness on my cheeks. "Goodbye, Fitz."_

_I could hear him wailing as I left the house._


	9. Culmination

**I don't own Degrassi. That makes me sad. So this is the last chapter of my story. I'm kinda sorry to see it end, but thank you so much to everyone who's read it. Just out of curiosity, which did you prefer in this story: Fitz/Clare or Eli/Clare?**

5.

I sat on the hood of my car, smoking a cigarette. I could see Eli inside, seated in a booth near the back of the diner. It was hard, convincing myself to go in. His behavior tonight was freaky, not to mention rude, but I could also see the rationale behind it. I glanced at my watch. It was 4:26 a.m. Technically, I was late, but I knew he'd keep waiting. I took one last puff and threw my cigarette down, hopping off the car. Now or never, right?

A bell rang above the door as I pushed it open. No one looked up, not even the tired-looking older woman who appeared to be the waitress. I made my way over to Eli, my heels clacking loudly on the tile floor.

I was about 5 feet away from him when he finally noticed me. "I was afraid you weren't coming!" A bright smile broke out on his face. "Please sit down."

I sat down across from him, causing the old vinyl to groan. He was staring again, so I propped my chin on my hand and stared back until he broke the silence.

"I'm going to get coffee and some breakfast. Do you want something? It's my treat." He held out a menu. "They make an awesome omelet."

I pushed the menu away. "I don't need that. I've eaten here before." I stopped talking and allowed an awkward silence to fall on us. Eli suddenly appeared fascinated by something over my left shoulder.

"Look…" I began, just as the waitress appeared.

"What would you like?" she asked, pen poised to write down our orders.

Eli gestured for me to go first. "I'd like a Coke, an egg-white omelet with peppers, turkey and cheese, and some hashbrowns."

"That sounds great. I'll have the same," Eli said politely, handing her the menus. "Thank you."

"Be about 15 minutes." She walked away, and the awkward silence returned.

After another minute or so, I took pity on Eli. "This is an uncomfortable situation for both of us and I have no idea where to start, so why don't you go ahead and tell me whatever it is that's so important?"

Eli sat quietly as the waitress returned with our Cokes. After she left, he leaned forward, resting his forearms on the table. "I guess I'm not sure where to start myself. Things ended badly between us."

"You think?" I asked sarcastically.

Eli closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "Things ended badly between us because I chose to end them that way. I didn't tell you I was leaving for a reason, Clare. I wanted you to dump me."

I stared at him incredulously. "What?"

"Let me pause for a second to say that my 27-year-old self is a lot smarter than my 18-year-old self was. It's pretty obvious now that it was a dumb idea." He was shredding a paper napkin into small pieces as he talked. "I didn't really want to leave you. I was terrified of being away from my parents, but being away from you was even worse. It got to the point where I had decided not to go. But then I realized that if you dumped me, there was no real reason for me to stay. So, well, you can see where I went with that." He grimaced. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be." I shook my head. "At least I know now."

"Will you tell me about Fitz now?" His voice was soft and calm. He reached out and rested one of his hands on top of mine. "I promise not to yell."

I avoided his gaze. "What's there to say? He was there, and you weren't. We got married, had a baby, got divorced. Life goes on."

"Okay." Eli was nodding. "Will you tell me about your son then?"

"Grayson, he's almost 6. He's the spitting image of Fitz." I pulled up a picture on my phone and showed it to Eli.

"Jesus, he is." Eli looked mildly alarmed.

I couldn't help but laugh at his expression. "Acts like him too. He's all attitude. He's a little hyper and a lot fun. And he's my whole life, Eli. Fitz helps out some, but he's got some problems of his own that he's working through, so it's mainly me."

"What kind of problems?"

I debated on telling Eli, but it was no big secret. "When we were having problems, toward the end, things got pretty bad. Not physical or anything," I added quickly, noticing Eli had clenched his fists. "We were just spending all our time arguing, and it was starting to affect Gray. I started smoking again, but Fitz, he started drinking a lot. He got fired because of it. He's in AA now, he's recovering, but there are days he still struggles to stay sober."

Eli's voice was very serious and very quiet when he spoke. "I need to know, did you love him when you married him?"

"Of course," I answered. "I still love him. I will _always_ love him. We had seven amazing years together. We built a life together, and had a beautiful child. Nothing will ever change that." Eli looks uncomfortable. "What about you? Anybody special in your life?"

His smirk comes back, full force. "As if the ladies could resist me." Then serious Eli returned. "There have been a couple of people, but I haven't been married or anything. Every time I tried to get serious about a girl, I kept coming back to you." He took my hands in his. "Clare, I still love you. I've never gotten over you."

It was odd that our hands still fit together perfectly, after all these years. "What are you trying to say?"

"I'm saying I want to give it another shot."

I pulled my hands away. "What about Fitz? What about Gray? What about the fact that you live so far away?"

He ducked his head. "Actually, I've been living back in Toronto for a few months, but I didn't know how to get ahold of you. That's why I asked Adam and Drew to have a party." He moved from his side of the booth to mine. "I can't make any promises, but you obviously still care about Fitz. And I understand that it's important, for your son's sake, to have a good relationship. I'll do my best."

"And Gray?"

Eli laced his fingers together behind his head. "I don't know anything about kids, or dating a woman with a kid. But I can learn."

"There's so many ways this can go wrong, Eli." I wanted it so much, to be with Eli again, but the whole idea seemed impossible.

"That's true," he acknowledged. "But Clare, there's so many ways it can go right. All I know is that I love you, Blue Eyes." He cupped my face in his hands and kissed me gently. "Say you'll give me a chance."

I didn't say anything, just kissed him back.


End file.
